Fashion

He was hustled past the crowded Artists Entrance and handed off to event security inside. The backstage area was noisy and full of strangers and again Justin was struck by how alone he felt at these things. During the glory days of NSYNC, the group would close ranks and turn this into a game. But that had all ended abruptly three years ago when the band called it quits.

Some scheduled appearances were left hanging. Most of them were eventually covered by at least one group member to avoid lawsuits, but this one had gone unsatisfied. Dolce & Gabbana threatened legal action if “the matter wasn’t handled within thirty days”, the end of the contractual window. And no, one of the lesser planets would not do. It was Justin Timberlake or a day in court. So he would appear tonight as a “Special Guest” in the debut of their spring line. And he would pray that seeing JC Chasez face to face for the first time in three years was survivable.

-::-

The clothes now seemed garish and Justin wondered, as the dressers buzzed around him, how they could have ever worn them on the last tour. Then he remembered. It was JC. In a rare stubborn move, he had insisted on that designer, refusing to consider any other suggestions. The thought made Justin smile sadly. JC never dug in about anything and everyone knew it. So they’d just given in to him. No questions asked. And he’d been right. It was a good look for them then and for once Chris hadn’t complained that things were too tight or too scratchy. The self-painted concert shirts had been his idea too. That part of the memory made Justin ache inside.

The JT <3 BS version had been Johnny’s idea, that along with playing her songs as part of the pre-concert mix. But his agenda went deeper than that. And Justin probably knew it from the start, but didn’t want to deal with it. Britney was a WEG client and an old friend. And Johnny had their best interests at heart which meant he had his own best interests at heart as well. It was all about packaging the product and Justin Timberlake and Britney Spears were definitely a product.

Joey had spent the morning making up rude limericks and Chris had already destroyed four other t-shirts with pornographic graffiti. The mood was decidedly light and Justin too was riding high. He’d never felt better about himself, musically or personally. For the first time, most of the songs on their album reflected his own taste for r & b. And he’d finally found himself at peace with someone he really loved. Not bad for a twenty year old.

He’d deliberately wasted time at breakfast that day, enjoying some private time with JC. Twice he’d erupted in laughter when the handsome brunette had begun drawing t-shirt designs on his placemat, coloring them in with hot sauce or mustard. Of the thousands of times they’d eaten together, Justin had never forgotten that particular meal. Had never let himself forget. Even now, he sometimes used the images at night to help himself fall asleep. Nothing erotic or earth-shattering about it. Just the two of them laughing helplessly. Totally at ease.

The t-shirts were in a pile at the end of the table when they finally arrived. They always made three versions of the same shirt, just to cover mistakes or losses. Justin had seen the concept logo in Johnny’s notebook and it didn’t look that bad. I mean, it was pretty innocent. Yeah, message boards would light up all over America, but that was the idea wasn’t it? Just a little jumpstart for the tour. A little extra media buzz.

Justin looked over at JC who was poking one of the shirts playfully, using the colors like finger paints. He felt his stomach tighten. Who was he kidding? It was a fucked up idea and it was going to be a mess. And he hadn’t warned JC. That was the worst part. He’d been a coward and had taken the easy way out. Now the love of his life would see the t-shirt for the first time in front of 40,000 strangers.

If anyone had bothered to ask Justin when things had started to fall apart, he would have pointed to that day. During Arts & Crafts. They were just making t-shirts and it all went away.

-::-

Justin insisted on riding the subway and getting off at 6th Avenue like everyone else. It was a lot easier now, navigating without an entourage the size of a baseball team. And his own security team looked much more normal than theTitans that used to surround the group. That had always been his argument. That the bodyguards drew more attention than they did.

And one night, just to prove their point, he and JC had slipped out of the hotel and done dinner and a movie without ever being recognized. And they’d found a small pizzeria afterwards, one with open hearth ovens and a local clientele. And JC had made him taste anchovies. Not on the pizza mind you, but just for the experience.He remembered licking the salty taste off his fingers. His own, And then JC’s.

Justin closed his eyes tight, squeezing back tears that had ambushed him. He knew that all of the anxiety could be for nothing. He had deliberately avoided asking anything about tonight. Maybe he would luck out and they would never cross paths. Maybe JC was on assignment a continent away. Maybe JC forgot that he even existed. He ran his hand through his hair and waited patiently while the dresser finished adjusting the waistband of his pants.

The knock on the dressing room door was two quick raps followed by an entrance. The talent coordinator was thirty-something and efficient. She smiled in recognition when she saw Justin.

“These folks being nice to you, Mr. Timberlake?”

Justin smiled and nodded.

“About five more minutes. I’ll be back to walk you out. Can I get you anything?”

Out of here would be good, Justin thought. You could get me out of here. But he shook his head and smiled.

“A man of few words. That’s a nice change. I’ll be back.”

Justin turned to the mirror and repeated the nervous motion through his hair. The chance that Dolce & Gabbana would debut their spring line without their signature model was next to zero. Like Estee Lauder without Elizabeth Hurley. No. Joshua Chasez would be here and Justin Timberlake, like a fish out of water, would have to deal with it.

-::-

Outrageous rumors were everywhere but no one had believed all of the stories coming out of New York. The Daily News had hounded the guys mercilessly once the news of their break-up hit the streets. One article had Lance wildly drunk and partying 24/7 on both coasts and Chris married to a dancer and living in Paris. Another “source close to the band” had Joey opening a dinner theatre in Florida. And Justin, whose life had been an open book since Johnny’s t-shirt fantasy blossomed into a made-for-tv media romance, in a Nashville rehab after leading the country pop revolution that had launched his solo career.

There were splinters of truth in most of the reports. The only one that was both completely true and completely unbelievable was that JC had left the world of music behind and was now more recognizable to the world as a model than he had ever been as a singer.

And he had done it cold turkey. One day he was in the studio putting the finishing touches on his vocals for their last album and the next day he was gone. As far as they knew, he had never spoken to anyone from JIVE or Wright Entertainment again. When Lance reported that he had seen someone who looked like JC in a print ad for Ralph Lauren, he had been ignored. When Sean Combs brought up JC while discussing his own line of clothing, Justin paid attention. Within six months, he made the leap from INSTYLE to VOGUE. Within a year, he was simply Joshua Chasez. As if his life with NSYNC had never happened.

They’d talked about it only once as a group. At Chris’s bachelor party. Justin wasn’t surprised when JC declined. There had been no love lost between the two and the invitation had been a courtesy, a nod to years gone by. Chris had always coveted JC’s spot in Justin’s life, never fully understanding the nature of their bond. Never knowing that it was beyond anything he could have offered. It was Chris’s night, but they’d talked about JC.

Chris had said he was too pretty to be a musician anyway. Lance had agreed, wondering aloud why JC hadn’t followed him onto the silver screen. Joey and Justin were both uncharacteristically quiet. Joey and JC were still friends and he didn’t see much point in joining the pity party. No one expected Justin to say much. And no one asked.

He remembered the night being unusually cold for Southern California, a place he’d grown to despise. A place where both the genuine and the fabricated parts of his life collided. Chris had called it both the state of confusion and the state of denial. Justin had known both. Intimately.

-::-

As if scripted by some Hollywood hack, the next hour unfolded in melodrama. Justin followed the short, perky woman out of the dressing room and around a darkened corner to a staging area with a clear view of the model’s ramp. He felt the same surge of adrenalin that always flooded his veins before a performance and he let out a long breath. Then something uncanny replaced the feeling of well-being that had buoyed his spirits. He squinted his eyes across the blazing lights that separated the two entrance portals. At the other, being groomed by last minute handlers stood JC Chasez. Their outfits were identical, except for color, and they were headed for a very public reunion that Justin had never anticipated.

His breath was now coming in short pants and beads of sweat gathered on his back. Questions flew past his consciousness. Why was this happening? Why hadn’t his publicist told him what was planned? Did JC know about it?

The first answer was easy. He had hoped up until the last minute that money would change hands and this day would never come. The second was also easy. No one knew that he and JC were estranged. As far as the world was concerned, tonight was a sentimental journey reuniting old friends. Not old flames. Certainly not enemies.

As he turned to face the ramp, he dared to look across once again and there he saw his final answer. In the steely cold glare of his former love. He had known.

-::-

Justin’s shoulders ached and he yearned to crack his neck, to let some of the tension go. The media tent had been jammed as if every paper in the country had known about this night. And it had been a long time since anything he’d done had attracted this kind of attention. Nashville was a long way from New York.

He’d felt ridiculous in the animal print suit that had been selected for them, but across the room, JC looked like a jungle god. His hair was still long and silky and for a moment Justin let himself remember how it felt in his hands. JC smiled freely and seemed at ease in the chaos that surrounded him. That in itself was disarming. The JC he knew fielded questions awkwardly and viewed the press with suspicion. When Joshua Chasez winked at one of the paparazzi, Justin felt a surge of jealousy that took some effort to push away.

Someone was calling his name now, urging him over for more pictures. The question and answer part had been nothing compared to the photo session. Justin had been totally unprepared for the reality of their touching. Of the waves of desire that slammed into him. Of the sensory overload that began to disable him.

And then as quickly as it had begun, it was over. A woman walked up to JC and whispered something in his ear. He nodded and followed her out of the room. Never once looking back.

The wardrobe woman stood back as Justin pulled impatiently at the waist band of his pants. He stopped suddenly, staring at the floor.

“It’s not like I’m going to steal it. Can you wait outside till I’m done?”

She nodded quickly and closed the door behind her. He had just pulled the gold shirt over his head and was rolling it into a ball when the door opened again. Not only was he bare-chested now, but his pants lay open where he had eased the zipper down minutes before. He took a deep breath, feeling the frustration of the night well up in him. The dresser had been young and starry-eyed, but Justin wasn’t feeling generous and understanding right now.

“Could you fucking give me a break here?”

He wheeled around, ready to confront his intruder. But she was nowhere in sight. Instead, just inside the door stood Joshua Chasez. He’d changed into a long-sleeved t-shirt and black jeans and his hair was loose like it had just been blown dry. Justin turned away quickly, stepping toward the chair where his own clothes were piled.

JC reached around him and picked up the custom pieces, handing them out the door to the frightened attendant. He wasn’t sure what JC said, but he heard the young woman giggle and knew that it was something to make everything seem allright. JC had always been able to do that. Make everything seem allright.

“Sorry.”

Justin looked quickly at JC and then looked away. He pulled on a hooded sweatshirt and loose-fitting jeans. Being half-naked in front of JC had made Justin’s pulse roar. He struggled for control hoping that a telltale flush of arousal wasn’t crawling up his neck.

“It’s okay. It gets crazy back here. I know.”

He stopped talking, forcing Justin to look his way again.

“I just wanted to stop by. I kind of got side-tracked out there. I didn’t want you to leave without saying anything.”

He paused again as if waiting for Justin to speak. When he didn’t, JC turned toward the door as if to leave.

“You look good Justin.”

With unnatural speed Justin closed the space between them and blocked JC’s exit. He pushed the thin brunette against the wall pinning him with his body. Justin could only remember the moment when JC’s tongue touched his, the warmth of his mouth. and how perfectly his body felt under his hands. Justin felt his own body harden in response and he leaned into JC, wanting to communicate his desire. His mouth fell to JC’s neck, breathing in the familiar scent of his skin.

Kissing JC had always been an erotic experience all by itself. There were nights when Justin found such pleasure in his mouth that he didn’t want to stop even long enough to make love. There was something about him, his lips, his taste, that made kissing him an art form, something to be savored separate from everything else.

At this moment, the last thing Justin wanted or expected was to be interrupted. This time the knock was quick and a young woman popped her head inside the door so suddenly that Justin barely had time to push himself off of JC and put an acceptable distance between them.

“JC? Oh, I’m sorry. Marie said she saw you come in here. I apologize. I didn’t know you were with someone. I’ll wait outside.”

Justin looked at the young woman with narrowed eyes and then realized that he had to recover his poise. He pushed the sleeves of his shirt up and smiled at her.

“No problem. JC and I were just touching base. Old times, you know.”

He crossed the room to where his duffel bag lay open and crouched down to zip it closed. At the same time, he snuck a glance at JC who had followed his path with his eyes and now watched as Justin fumbled with his coat. Then JC shifted his attention to the woman.

“Laurie, this is Justin Timberlake. Justin, this is Laurie Simone.”

Justin straightened slowly. When he finally stood, she had already turned her attention back to JC and Justin did not like what he saw. She had moved in closer and laced her fingers with his. With her other hand, she was touching his face. Intimacy hung in the air between them.

“Nice to meet you.”

Justin deliberately omitted her name. He didn’t want to say it. He didn’t want to hear it. And he particularly didn’t like JC saying it. His wish was not granted.

“Laurie’s a big fan of yours.

Justin knew that he should say something nice in return, but he didn’t. He just stared at JC and then let his eyes drift to where their hands were joined. He closed them briefly as if to cleanse the image from his mind and then crossed the room to the door. As he reached for the knob, the door opened in and another wardrobe assistant entered tentatively. She moved around Justin as if he were a piece of furniture and started straightening the room.

Justin looked briefly at JC again and then walked out. When one of the bodyguards reached for his bag, Justin let it go without argument and followed them to where a limo was waiting.

-::-

Had it been three years? Justin tried to remember. JC had said nothing at all that night. He had looked at the painted t-shirt and then at Justin, but he had said nothing. Justin had stumbled through the concert then rode the publicity storm that followed.

By the time he’d gathered the courage to talk about it, when his desire for JC burned through his fear, when loneliness finally overwelmed him, it was too late. The media was planning a royal pop wedding and JC had disappeared inside himself. To a place where Justin couldn’t follow.

-::-

WEG had been happy with the media blitz following his appearance in New York and he had spent three addional days in Nashville as a result of the publicity. It had been a long week and tonight for the first time, Justin felt like he could actually go to bed at a decent hour.

The door bell rang as he climbed the stairs. None of his friends used the bell. They would have called first anyway. Britney and Trace were both out of town and no one else just dropped by. If he’d been farther up the flight of stairs, he would have simply ignored it. As it was, he turned around and pulled the front door open without bothering to look outside.

JC stood with his back to the door, studying the lights on the next ridge, his body wavering ever so slightly. He turned and looked at Justin curiously.

“You still live here.”

“JC?”

His reply was low and throaty. Like he hadn’t spoken in a while.

“I’m drunk Justin.”

Justin stepped onto the patio and pulled JC toward him. Without hesitation, he pressed his mouth to JC’s and pushed gently with his tongue until he felt JC give in. It was a soft sweet kiss and Justin felt his knees wobble a little. He stepped back and guided JC into the house, never letting go of his arm.

“Drunk Justin,” he repeated almost silently.

“I know. You told me.”

“I wanted you to know.”

Justin smiled sadly. Ethical, heroic JC. Always up front. No hidden agenda.

“I don’t care why you’re here JC.“

They both stood silently again. Then the lean brunette spoke again.

“Shouldn’t have done that. Not like that. . . not anymore.”

He was dropping pronouns everywhere and Justin tried to make sense of the thoughts tumbling out at him. JC was trying so hard to be serious. Justin wanted to smile and pull him into his arms, But he waited, letting JC empty all his thoughts without interrupting.

“Done what?”

“Can’t stop thinking about it.”

Justin nudged JC’s cheek and brought their mouths together again. This time the kiss was intense. Justin finally gave in as JC licked at his mouth, overwelming him. When the kiss ended, they stood as if locked in battle. Struggling, forehead to forehead, unwilling to move.

JC’s breathing became long and slow. He pushed away from Justin.

“Go home. Tired.”

Justin smiled at him again. Drunk JC had always been child-like. Irresistible.

“You look sleepy.”

JC nodded and then swallowed hard.

“Let me go Justin.”

“C’mon.”

The tall blonde put one hand in the small of his back and used the other to steer JC up the stairs.

“What are we doing?”

“Putting you in bed. You’re not going anywhere tonight.”

“Can’t stay here Justin.”

“Okay then. You’re not really here. We’ll talk about it tomorrow.”

He wheeled JC around the pile of shoes and dirty clothes just inside the doorway and turned him toward the bed. In the few minutes it had taken to mount the stairs, JC had slipped even more toward slumberland. His eyes were hooded and his chin drooped lazily as Justin pulled his sweater over his head. He let himself be guided onto his back and Justin pulled off one shoe, and then the other.

He was reaching to unbuckle JC’s belt when he caught himself in the mirror. Almost like he was standing across the room watching himself undress JC. He had been humming happily as if this was the most natural thing in the world to do. He stopped suddenly and looked at the helpless figure sprawled across his bed. Justin felt his throat tighten and shook his head slowly in wonder.

JC’s head had fallen to the left and his dark hair was loose. a mass of curls. His right arm was thrown carelessly over his head and Justin took pleasure in the soft brown hair under his arm. The skin there was pale and so tender-looking that Justin felt himself drawn to it. He put one knee on the bed and bent low to kiss and then suck gently on it. JC moaned softly and Justin needed all of the decency God gave him to pull himself away. He loosened the belt and pulled JC’s jeans off slowly, easing one leg out at a time.

He pulled the dozing figure up and onto his shoulder slightly, bending to support his weight as he pulled the covers down. Then slid his hand up his back, supporting his neck like a new-born baby and slid him into bed. T-shirt and boxer briefs in place.

If he was to ever spend another night in Joshua Chasez's bed as his lover, it would have to be on his terms. Not like this. He quickly pulled the comforter in place, cursing himself softly under his breath. As he walked toward the door, JC stirred.

“Don’t leave.”

He wondered briefly how long JC had been awake, how much of the inner struggle he had sensed. By his slow breathing, he judged that it had not been long.

“I’m just going downstairs to turn out the lights.”

By the time Justin pulled back the covers on his own side of the bed, JC had again fallen asleep and was breathing in long deep cycles. His face was peaceful, a day or two of stubble shadowing his cheeks. It was a long time before Justin could bring himself to turn out the light.

What could be better than laying beside the only person he’d ever really loved in his life? The answer came quickly in his own heated pulse. But he couldn’t let himself think about it too long. He couldn’t have that. Not yet anyway.

He reached across JC and turned off the light, letting the silhouettes created by the moon tease him into sleep.

-::-

A whole day had passed. As if by silent agreement they had determined that the rest of the world could wait. Their kissing and touching, at first tentative, had become addicting. And neither strayed more than a yard’s length away as the day slipped by.

In fact, when Justin caught JC’s profile out by the pool, cell phone in hand, it seemed completely out of place. Seeing the concern on Justin’s face, he signalled for him to come outside.

“I was trying to rearrange a few things. But I can’t.”

He sighed heavily and pushed the phone deep into his pocket.

“I have to go.”

Justin tried to keep the disappointment out of his voice, like he had the night of the fashion show.

“We haven’t talked yet.”

“I know. I’m sorry. I had no idea that you and I--.”

Justin didn’t seem to be listening or else was busy processing other possibilities. JC touched his arm and made him look up.

“I’ve got a job out of town and I have to go. The crew left New York today and I have to go the day after tomorrow. Which means I have to get back now.”

JC hesitated, waiting for a response, then walked back toward the house. He was almost to the door when Justin spoke.

“Is she going with you. The one in New York?”

JC stopped, retracing his steps until they were again face to face. Justin held his gaze, jaw muscles flexing. Then JC nodded. There wasn’t much to it. A simple movement of the head. A miserable damning nod. When the phone rang again. JC kept their eyes locked. It was Justin who turned away. JC tried to keep his voice steady as he took the call.

“Yeah? Hi.” He paused as if listening intently. “I didn’t think so. Thanks for trying.” More listening. “ No, really, I’ll cover it. Okay. Thanks. Yeah, you too.”

He closed the phone and stepped in behind Justin, one hand on his waist, breathing into his neck. They stood that way for several minutes until Justin hunched his shoulders and stepped away. His tried-for-smile missed by a little, but his voice again sounded normal. A little flat. A little empty. But nothing anyone else would have noticed.

“How long?” He tried to sound blase, unaffected.

“The shoot is four days without weather. But it’s two out and two back. My guess is ten.”

But Justin knew better, from the old days. Ten was probably a low ball figure.

“Where?”

“Majorca.”

Justin arched his eyebrows and tried to smile. JC now had exotic places to go and things to do that were not part of Justin’s world. His stops these days were in places like Lexington, Kentucky and Asheville, North Carolina. JC might as well have been going to the moon.

Justin did the math in his head. He wouldn’t be here when JC got back. He would already be in LA with her. How’s that for irony? The precious window of opportunity was closing right in front of him. But he chose to say nothing. Three years hadn’t changed much after all. When things got tough, he made a joke or stuck his head in the sand. He saw JC check his watch and sigh.

“Walk with me Justin.”

They stepped through the doorway and JC ran his hand through his hair absent-mindedly. Out of habit, he checked around the room, touched his pocket for his wallet, and then, seeing Justin’s reaction, laughed nervously.

“I guess I didn’t bring much.”

The room was very quiet and Justin realized that for the last few minutes, he hadn’t said a word. And now JC was at the door, ready to leave. He didn’t want that to happen. The realization gave him a voice.

“Stop. Wait. JC. Shit, I’m stumbling all over myself here. “

Justin took a deep breath and forced himself to go on.

“I don’t want you to go. Not yet. Stay one more night. You can get out of here first thing tomorrow. Don’t go, Please.”

JC was very still. And Justin took advantage of the moment to again close the space between them. JC’s mouth was soft and warm and Justin wanted to lose himself in it. JC had brought one hand up behind his neck and was increasing the pressure of the kiss.

Justin's hands went to his waist, kneading the small of his back, forcing their hips together. He wanted to grind into him, to feel the friction and the heat that would signal the start of sex. JC was leaving and they had not made love. The thought made Justin irrationally angry.

“You fucking played me for two days and now you just leave?

JC opened his mouth to speak, but then said nothing. He had looked surprised and then resigned. He knew Justin, had seen him like this a thousand times. Aggressive. Angry. Hurt. It was his way.

“Justin, I can’t stay. You know I can’t.”

“You can do anything you want. You’re Joshua Chasez.”

“If I stayed with you, we’d make love. I can’t do that Justin.”

“I know, You told me.” His voice sounded bitter now,

“What?”

“Last night. You said you weren’t like that anymore. Your words exactly.”

“I was drunk, Justin.”

“I know. I put you to bed.”

When Justin shrugged and smiled slightly, some of the anger left him.

“I want you here JC. I won’t do anything, I swear. I just need a little more time.”

Justin searched his face.

“You don’t want me.”

“Justin. I want you. I always want you. But I don’t trust you. I don’t know what's going on. And with you, it’s more than just another night. We both know that.”

JC’s voice wavered and Justin covered his mouth gently and pulled at JC until they were lost again. Rhythmically moving against each other. Letting their bodies take over. Providing answers where there had been none.

When Justin finally spoke again, it was in a hushed voice, the kind he used in church.

“No sex. Nothing. I swear. We’ll eat and watch a movie. And tomorrow, you can go. I’ll take you to the airport myself.”

Justin straightened and pushed himself away. JC had been staring at him, unyielding and then for the briefest moment, he had blinked. Justin was sure he had seen it. JC had blinked. That meant he was thinking about it. He hadn’t said anything, but Justin could feel the momentum swinging his way. He looked again and JC was smiling. That closed mouth, eyes twinkling thing he always did when he was ready to give in. He didn't speak, so Justin said it for him. And then again silently to himself.

“Okay." They were going to be okay.

Justin turned and walked back toward the kitchen. A week ago tonight he had been alone in the back of a limo in New York swearing and cursing himself for letting Joshua Chasez get away from him. And it would happen again tomorrow if he kept taking the easy way out. He had to tell the truth this time. All of it. He could do that. He heard JC call to him and he turned back.

“Justin?”

“Meatballs.”

He could hear the smile in JC's voice. “What did you say?”

Justin pulled a pan out of the cupboard and smiled himself.